One of the most important things I’ve realized in recent years is that dysfunctional relationships in adult life are not really about others. They are about the patterns we learned in relation to our family of origin and recreate — sometimes faithfully, sometimes by reversing roles, hoping that this time we will be able to bring them to a different ending.
For a long time, I thought I had unfinished business with people from my past — a former partner, a friend, a client. But, looking more closely, I began to see that what truly kept me stuck was an older, unresolved relationship: the relationship with my parents (and grandparents).
The True “Closure” Happens Not with the Person Beside You, but with the Pattern They Represent
Relationships don’t end simply through external gestures — a final conversation, a long message, withdrawing from someone’s life. These are only the visible steps. True closure, the kind that brings inner peace, comes only when you recognize where the painful dynamic originates: from a role learned in childhood.
For example, if we were the child who had to be “more mature than our age,” in later relationships we tend to become “the one who always understands.” And when we finally start saying “no,” we feel disproportionate guilt — because, in reality, we are refusing a role that was imposed on us too early.
It’s Not Moral Standards That Hurt, But the Hypocrisy with Which They Were Imposed
Another critical breaking point was related to values and high standards. For years, I confused imposed standards with self-assumed ones. I rebelled against external demands without realizing that what really bothered me wasn’t the values themselves — but the fact that they were imposed by people who couldn’t live by them.
It’s a subtle narcissistic dynamic:
- “If I cannot be perfect, at least my child should be.”
- “If I cannot live up to these ideals, but my child does, maybe I will feel cleaner, better.”
In such a context, the child is pressured to become living proof of the parent’s value, rather than a separate being with their own direction.
What Does Liberation Mean?
For me, liberation began the moment I recognized that many of the adult relationships I maintained were extensions of childhood relationships. That I was apologizing for expressing emotion, for refusing to comply, for choosing authenticity.
I realized that “being understood” was never the goal. What mattered was obedience. And if I didn’t comply, a rupture occurred. Only after a rupture, perhaps, would renegotiation happen — but without real content.
And so I lived in relationships with others. Hoping that if I was empathetic enough, coherent enough, attentive enough to their needs, I would eventually be seen. But it didn’t happen. Because the dynamic was fundamentally flawed from the start.
Inner Clarity: Why It Makes Decisions Easier
The process of ending dysfunctional relationships begins with one essential step: recognizing and understanding the old patterns we learned in childhood that still influence our adult life. When these emotional and mental “knots” are untangled, a profound transformation occurs, making present-day decisions clearer and more natural.
How Does This Happen?
- Releasing the Pressure of the Past
Unresolved knots — frustrations, fears, rigid inner beliefs — constantly affect how we perceive situations and people today. They “contaminate” decisions with strong emotions and internal conflicts that often have little to do with present reality, but rather with past experiences and wounds. - Unlocking and Integrating Emotions
When these emotions are understood, accepted, and released, they no longer “suffocate” current relationships. The hidden charge that distorts communication, reactions, or choices disappears. Instead of reacting to past pain, we can respond clearly and authentically to what is happening now. - Reconfiguring Perception and Expectations
With understanding comes a “thawing” of our inner system, a recalibration of how we see the world and others. Decisions are no longer made from fear, guilt, or helplessness, but from awareness and personal power.
Relationships: Between Closure and Liberation
I’ve noticed there are two types of “closure” in relationships:
- Unilateral closure, when only one party is willing to understand and let go, and the other is not. In such cases, the relationship may remain tense, and boundaries and distance become necessary to protect one’s emotional health.
- Mutual liberation, when both parties understand, accept, and allow the relationship to exist naturally, based on love and mutual respect. Here, the relationship can genuinely evolve and grow.
Thus, when we clarify internally what happened, we allow ourselves to set boundaries not out of rejection or giving up, but because we understand that the purpose of that relationship — growth and connection — can no longer be fulfilled. Boundaries become an act of respect for ourselves and the reality of the relationship, not punishment or withdrawal from fear.
When Inner Peace Arrives, So Do the Answers
Perhaps the most valuable experience I’ve had with this inner clarification is that the present reality became clearer. I no longer hover at the edge of situations, trying to figure out if I’m overreacting, if it’s “right,” if I should wait longer. As old patterns dissolved, decisions began to come naturally. They are no longer a painful effort of self-persuasion, but a natural choice in alignment with who I am today, not with who I was forced to be.
When You Keep Your Values, But Choose Them Yourself
The bright side is that you don’t need to give up high values — only the pressure to meet them to prove something to someone. You can keep them for yourself. You can honor them from a place of autonomy, not fear.
Ultimately, I chose to continue striving toward the standard imposed on me. But not to prove I was “good enough” in the eyes of my parents, grandparents, or others. Rather, because, beyond them, I resonate with that ideal. And now I can live with it without self-destruction in pursuit of it. Because it’s no longer a weapon against me, but a compass I’ve consciously chosen for who I am, not for who others wanted me to become.