Sometimes, behind a tense relationship or a persistent sense of discomfort, it’s not necessarily the expectations of others, but the way we’ve come to relate to them. A small detail — a look, a reaction, a trace of contempt — can reveal a deeper tension: not between us and the other person, but between who we are and who we were forced to become in order to be accepted.
High standards don’t hurt. Compromises that pull us away from ourselves do.
When someone imposes a standard they themselves cannot meet, a subtle yet destructive phenomenon occurs: not only do we feel inadequate, but we are forced to choose between conforming to be accepted or maintaining authenticity and risking rejection. Over time, this repeated compromise leads to inner tension and loss of direction.
Perhaps the most serious consequence is that this pressure disconnects us from our own priorities. We end up investing time, energy, and heart into validating a relationship, an image, or a “version” of who we should be — instead of asking what truly matters to us, in our own rhythm and with our real resources.
The truth is, not everyone can or wants to live by the same code. And the ability to meet a certain level depends less on willpower or merit and more on the resources available at that moment: emotional health, life context, support from those around you. In their absence, the expectation to “figure it out” becomes just another mechanism of shame and pressure.
A Healthy Approach Requires Negotiation, Not Imposition
The fundamental difference between a growth relationship and a tense one is the possibility to negotiate — honestly, clearly, and vulnerably. Being able to say: “This I can do, this I can’t. This I want, this I don’t feel right now.” This means bringing not only desire but also your reality into the relationship.
To do this, however, two rare and precious things are needed: self-knowledge and accountability. Knowing yourself well enough to understand what is realistically accessible to you and what is not. And being willing to express this, even at the risk of rejection or misunderstanding.
Two Types of Relationships: Growth or Conformity
As you deepen the process of reflection and separation from old patterns, it becomes increasingly clear that relationships tend to fall into two major categories:
- Growth relationships — based on openness, honesty, and conscious co-creation. Even when tensions arise, they are discussed. There is space for individuality and authentic negotiation.
- Mutually abusive relationships (conscious or not) — where dishonesty, fear, shame, or the need for control dominate. Here, each person plays a role to maintain an illusion of stability or belonging. Even if there is no explicit violence, chronic compromise appears: self-sacrifice for validation.
In relationships based on conformity, choices seem limited: either you comply, or you are excluded. Yet, within this dynamic, a space of inner power emerges: the possibility to choose not to deceive yourself. Not to conform for the sake of apparent peace. To accept that a relationship in which you cannot be yourself is not safe, but one that perpetuates the wound.
We Don’t Choose People. We Choose Values.
Ultimately, important relationships are not about individuals, but about shared values. Not about who, but about how we live alongside someone. We grow in relationships where we can meet in vulnerability, clarity, respect, and reciprocity. The rest are trainings — valuable, but meant to teach us to choose with discernment.